NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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