The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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