Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
