dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am naked and annoyed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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