Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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