I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize