so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
