1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am midnight drunk by noon
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
