It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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