dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
