Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
