Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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