i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
