If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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