Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
