dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
