im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
