Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
