I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
