I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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