Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
