just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
