Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
