Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
