Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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