I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize