so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
