fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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