I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Randomize
