She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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