i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
