we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
