the new term for farting is butt boxing.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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