I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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