Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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