When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
