I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jerry, you need to find god
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
