woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
