My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
