I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
In America we eat man semen.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
