I could make wine with my vomit
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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