He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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