Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
