I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize