I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Never joke about your clitoris.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
