I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
