I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
