i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
