meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
