Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he was CRYING into my vagina
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
