I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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