im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
