Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
two words...techno handjob
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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