Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
