next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
