I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
