We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
