Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
