dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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