im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
